很多时候，我们在雅思写作中想表达类似“xx度”或者“xx性”(比如：“契合度”、“匹配性”等)这样的意思。于是，我们会找一个或者造一个对等的名词或名词词组。其实，在雅思写作中，依赖这样的名词(或词组)很可能读起来蛮别扭的、蛮拧巴的。Instead，我们就干脆写明确了，读起来自然许多。

雅思7分

应对

Many offenders commit more crimes after serving the first punishment.Why is this happening?

What measures can be taken to tackle this problem?

　　这个题目。

　　学生写了下面这个句子(在作文的Introduction处)：

　　When people break the laws and get caught, they will face relevant penalty.

　　看起来通顺?是的。读起来通顺?没有不通顺。那有什么问题?问题如下：

　　首先，两个细节问题：

　　* break the law而不是laws，没有s才对。

　　* penalty可数于是应该是penalties。

　　其次，

　　* 一个意思简单信息量并不丰富的句子其实没有必要再用“状语从句+主句”的方式来写。其实，读起来拖沓。

　　并且，

　　* face relevant penalty读起来就感觉生硬呢。

　　* relevant其实没有必要，感人感觉，作者在强调“是对应的惩罚哟，没有乱责罚哟”。

　　看下面

　　教师修改后的句子：

　　The penalty for their criminal conduct may be less deterrent than it should be.

　　*不用定语从句修饰penalty，一是更符合习惯用法a/the penalty for something;二是避免了动词就避免了时态语态错误的可能。

　　* 原本由compared with构建的比较换成由than构建的比较级。

　　* deterrent这个词的意思是“有威慑(力)的”，是不是意思更具体更有细节?当然是更好的词汇选择。

　　小总结：

　　* 用语细节的错误，见功力，考官可不会跟我们客气，小错误不会就这么算了的。

　　* 信息简单的句子，能简洁就不要繁琐，no作no die。

　　* 形容词可能带有性质性的说明甚至一定程度的强调，当我们没有强调事物的性质的时候，慎用或者干脆不用呗，少个没必要的形容词不可惜。

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4月13日雅思大作文题目：Some people believe famous people's support for international aid organizations draws the attention to problems, while others think celebrities make the problems less important.Discuss both of the views and give your opinion.

写作范文及解析
That celebrities speak for charitable (慈善的）organizations is commonplace （常见的）. Although some people worry that the attention is paid to those stars rather than the issues, the actual case is the opposite of the concern. The celebrities’ stardom （明星光环/地位） is often well utilized （使xxx发挥作用）and successfully directs people’s attention to the problems. [措辞上避开人称的讨论更显客观]

[行文：先让步讨论反方的想法] It is reasonable to have the concern that people and the media may be off-topic when they see celebrities. People, especially the fans, are likely to be curious about the stars’ personal lives and careers or interested in other things, such as their styles, and the media, especially the tabloids （报道花边新闻的小报）, often consider it as their job to find gossip. [行文：然后转折讨论反方想法的漏洞] However, it is only when celebrities make appearances as pure entertainers that the public and the media pay attention to those matters. [强调句：only when引导的（时间）条件状语被强调] People are rational （理智的） when they see the stars are ambassadors （代言人/形象大使）of charitable activities. [行文：必要时举例诠释道理] For example, when a famous actor speaks for the starving （挨饿的） children in some impoverished （贫穷的）areas of the world [注意对应题目中的international], people are more likely to find the issue serious than to find the star adorable （讨喜的）. [讨论对方漏洞的时候，其实往往也是讨论自己的立场的合理性]

As a matter of fact, famous performers and athletes [通过细化人群来换词] can direct people’s attention to the problems first because their high social status enables them to be credible and persuasive （有说服力的）. [然后细化解释] In others words, when the celebrities are concerned about the sufferings （痛苦的遭遇） and misery （悲惨）of some disadvantaged groups （弱势群体） or victims, people tend to follow them out of their faith （信任/信心）in the stars [讲清楚“为什么”]. In addition, since these charitable establishments know their jobs are serious missions, they are careful with their choice of endorsers （支持者）. They have abundant （丰富的） experience in finding the most appropriate ambassadors—stars who have few scandals （丑闻） and stars who would not create the excessive impression of amusement （n. 惹人发笑）or entertainment. As desired, people’s eye is often caught by the problems instead of the celebrities themselves.

In conclusion, it is normal that some people are concerned about the deviation （n. 偏离） of the public’s attention. However, they do not need to be [语法：省略（重复的）]. In fact, famous people's advocate （n. (公开)支持） for international aid organizations can successfully draw the attention to problems.